Through to You Read online

  Penn looks at me. “I don’t like restaurants.”

  “Oh.” I’m not really sure what to say to that. How come he asked me out to eat if he doesn’t like restaurants? I glance at him suspiciously. He better not think this is going to be one of those things where he pretends he’s taking me out to eat and then he takes me somewhere else and tries to get me to make out with him. I don’t make out with people on first dates. Not that I’ve had that many first dates. Or that many make-out sessions.

  He doesn’t say anything, but he’s pulled the car out onto the main road, and he’s heading in the opposite direction from my house and the dance studio.

  “So then where are we going?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “It stopped raining. We can eat at the park.”

  “You mean like a picnic?” Why does he want to have a picnic in the dark? I want to ask him, but I’m afraid that if I do, he’ll take back the invitation.

  He glances at me. “No, not a picnic, Harper. Just eating outside.”

  I frown. “Eating outside sounds like a picnic.”

  “I don’t do picnics.”

  “Eating outside at a park is a picnic.” I shrug. “Just admit you like picnics, Penn. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

  “I’m not embarrassed about anything.”

  “Okay.”

  “But it’s not a picnic.”

  I pull out my phone and start to google the definition of “picnic.” “Picnic,” I recite, “an outing or occasion that involves taking packed food outdoors for a meal.”

  He gapes at me. “Did you just google that?”

  “That’s what Google’s for.”

  “Google’s not for—” He cuts himself off and shakes his head, like he can’t believe we’re having this conversation. “Whatever. We’re not packing any food. We’re just buying it, so it’s not a picnic.”

  He pulls into a Whole Foods and cuts the engine. “You stay here,” he instructs.

  “How come?”

  “Because I can shop faster by myself.” He looks at me. “No offense, but girls take way too long in the store. And it’s already dark.”

  “First of all, that’s extremely sexist. And second of all, I don’t take a long time in the store.” It’s a lie. I take a very long time in the store. But how could Penn possibly know this?

  He raises his eyebrows, like he’s considering it. Then, a second later, he shakes his head. “You stay here.” And then he’s out of the car and on his way into the store.

  As soon as he’s gone, I pull out my phone and call Anna.

  She picks up on the first ring.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks immediately.

  “Nothing,” I say. “Why would something be wrong?”

  “Because you never call me. You always text.”

  “Oh. Well, I have limited time.” I flip the passenger-side visor down. But there’s no mirror on the other side. What? Why? How can a car not have a mirror on the visor? How am I supposed to make sure I don’t have dirty puddle water splashed on my face or in my hair or something?

  “What do you mean you have limited time? Are you at work? I thought your mom got over that whole not-using-your-phone-during-work-hours thing?”

  “She did.” I reach over to Penn’s side of the car and flip down his visor. There’s a mirror on that one. Which is ironic, since I’m the one who needs the mirror, and Penn doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who spends any time whatsoever checking himself out. Which kind of doesn’t make sense, since he’s so good-looking. I always figured anyone that hot would enjoy looking at himself all the time. Does Penn not know how cute he is? I have another flash of him walking down the hall at school, always with a different girl. So he must.

  “Hello?” Anna calls. “What are you doing? What’s all the commotion?”

  “I’m in Penn Mattingly’s car.” I whisper it. I don’t know why. Penn is in the store, and there’s no one in the parking lot. And even if there were, who cares if someone overhears?

  “You’re where?” Anna yells, like she’s trying to make up for the fact that I’m whispering. “I can’t hear a word you’re saying. Speak up.”

  “I’m in Penn Mattingly’s car,” I say, louder this time. The words sound foreign and kind of exciting. I’m in a boy’s car. A boy I hardly know. It sounds almost dangerous.

  “Penn Mattingly’s car!” Anna sounds excited.

  “Shh!” I’m trying to grab at the visor and angle it so I can see my reflection. But I’m having trouble, so I have to sling one foot over the gearshift. I pull the mirror toward me, and am grateful to see that I don’t have anything on my face. But my eye makeup is a little smudged, and so I reach up and wipe it away.

  “Why do I have to shhh?” Anna asks defensively. Then I hear her say to someone in the background, “Harper’s on a date with Penn Mattingly!” She’s probably talking to Nico. Nico is Anna’s best friend besides me. Well, if you can count a boy who you’re secretly in love with as your second best friend, which Anna thinks you can.

  “It’s not a date.” Trying to fix my makeup with my finger isn’t working. In fact, I’m just making it worse. I go to reach for my purse, but somehow my legs sort of splay apart, and I end up knocking my purse over onto the passenger-side floor. “Shit!”

  “What happened?” Anna asks.

  “I knocked my purse over.”

  “In his car? How’d you knock your purse over in his car?” Suddenly she’s suspicious, like she thinks I’m up to no good.

  “I was trying to look at myself in the mirror.”

  “She was trying to look at herself in the mirror,” Anna reports to Nico.

  “Don’t tell him that!” I say. I’m not sure why, but I don’t want Nico to know what’s going on. This is one of those times when the fact that he’s male definitely gets in the way of me being able to give him information. Plus, I’ve never been as close to Nico as Anna is. And I don’t think he should get secrets about me just because I’m telling them to Anna.

  “Why not? It’s just Nico.”

  “Because I don’t want him knowing everything.”

  “It’s not like you and Penn are hooking up. Are you? Have you? Did you kiss him? Did he kiss you?”

  “No!” I say. “It’s not . . . I mean, it’s not a date.” But suddenly I’m thinking about kissing him. He looks like he’d be a good kisser. Probably strong, but not too strong, with just the right amount of—

  The driver-side door opens, and I scream in surprise, then immediately fall over into the passenger seat.

  Penn is standing there. He looks down at me, my legs sprawled between the seats. He shakes his head. “Wow,” he says. “I leave you alone for one minute . . .”

  “Um, I gotta go,” I say to Anna, scrambling back over to my side of the car.

  “What?” she screeches. “Harper, you can’t just—”

  I hang up. I’m kind of humiliated. “Can I get in now?” Penn asks. He seems amused.

  “Yes,” I say haughtily. “Of course you can get in.” I put my nose up in the air and roll my eyes, like he’s being ridiculous. Which he kind of is. This is his car. Of course he can get into his own car. He doesn’t have to ask my permission.

  “Okay, good,” he says. He flings the Whole Foods bags into the backseat. “Just didn’t know if you wanted to be alone.”

  My face is burning. God, he must think I’m a complete and total head case. “I’m fine.” I catch a glimpse of myself in the side mirror, and my face is still streaked with eyeliner. I reach up and rub it off. There’s no way I can fix it with Penn here, watching, so I’ll have to just deal with having raccoon eyes for now.

  “Okay.” He shrugs and puts the car into drive.

  He takes me to Schoner Park and parks near the swings, right on the lawn. It’s after nine o’clock now, and so the place is deserted.

  He pulls the bags of food out from the back of his car and sets them down on the hood of his truck.

  “You
’re going to be impressed,” he says, sounding proud of himself.

  “Really? Why?”

  “Well,” he says, “you probably have this impression of me. You know, that I’m just some jock ballplayer who knows nothing about anything else.”

  “I don’t really have any impression of you, except for that maybe you’re a stalker.”

  “A stalker?”

  “Yeah, like how you showed up at my work and stalked me.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t stalk.”

  “Whatever.”

  We hoist ourselves onto the hood of the truck, and Penn reaches into the bags and starts laying out the food he bought. I have to say that he was right—it is impressive. Stone-ground wheat pepper crackers, cut up strawberries and honeydew, goat cheese, fig and walnut spread, and two tiny plastic containers filled with bow tie pasta salad.

  He hands me a plastic fork, and as he does, his hand brushes against mine.

  “Thanks.” Goose bumps fly up my skin.

  “You’re welcome.” All trace of the teasing he was doing before is gone, and now he just sounds . . . I don’t know, sort of serious and sort of sexy at the same time.

  I grab the crackers and start to open the box. Inside there are two sleeves, and my fingers fumble around the plastic. When I finally get them open, I realize there’s nowhere to put them, so I pull a few out and lay them down on the cracker box.

  “So,” I say. The air feels heavy all of a sudden. Yes, it’s because it rained, and because it’s humid, but it’s also because things have shifted. It’s subtle, but it’s there. Before when I was with Penn, there was a lot of activity around us—we were at the dance studio, or the batting cages, or something, and now . . . now we’re just here, sitting on his car with nothing to do but . . . talk.

  “So,” he replies.

  I take a cracker and dip it into the goat cheese spread. It’s delicious.

  “Is this where you used to play baseball?” I ask, gazing out onto the field.

  I’m not sure if it’s my imagination or not, but I feel like he stiffens beside me. “No,” he says. He takes a swig of water. “Well, not recently. I played here when I was a kid.”

  “Oh. And you . . . I mean, are you going to play in college?” I know he hurt his shoulder. I know he doesn’t play anymore. I want to know if he’s going to get better, but I’m not sure exactly how to ask him that.

  He shrugs, then just gazes out onto the baseball field. Then, suddenly, he jumps off the hood of the car until he’s standing in front of me. He leans in close to me and gives me a devilish smile.

  “Hi,” he says, and that’s when I know he’s going to kiss me.

  I hardly even know him, and he’s going to kiss me. Which is crazy. But what’s even crazier is that I want him to kiss me. I want to kiss him so bad, I can hardly take it.

  He reaches up and pushes a piece of hair back from my forehead, and his eyes are gazing right into mine, and it’s so perfect and romantic and passionate that I swear it feels like I’m in a movie.

  “Hi,” I breathe.

  He moves his face closer to mine, and then he kisses me. His lips are cool, but his mouth is warm and his kiss is soft. It takes us less than a second to find a rhythm. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against him.

  A breeze ruffles the trees and sends a shiver up my spine, and I’m not sure if it’s because the air has gotten colder or because of the kiss. He pulls back for a minute, and then his lips are back on mine, teasing me. He’s kissing me the exact way I thought he would—strong and firm and perfect. His face is smooth, but there’s a little bit of stubble rubbing against my chin, and I lose all track of time as his lips move against mine. My heart is beating fast, and my skin is flushed. My lips are getting swollen from the kissing, and my hair is getting tangled in his fingers.

  When he finally pulls away, he trails his fingers up my arms, sending tingles flying through my body.

  “Well,” he says. “I guess that happened.”

  “Yeah,” I whisper. “I guess it did.”

  Penn

  I shouldn’t have kissed her. I knew that as soon as I did it. It’s just that she’d been sitting there looking so adorable, trying to open that damn package of crackers. How could opening a package of crackers look cute? It made no sense.

  But it was more than that. Not only is she cute, but let’s face it, she is also hot. And I was stupid for not noticing it earlier. Although I guess I must have noticed it a little bit—I did put that note on her desk, after all. But that note was a throw-away, something I did on the spur of the moment. It’s not like I wanted anything to come of it. If I want a girl, I don’t waste time with cute little notes. That’s what guys who have no game do. That’s what guys who want romance do.

  And I’m not that guy.

  But now I’ve gone and kissed Harper, and to make it even worse, I did it on the hood of my car after a rainstorm, at a park while we were having a picnic. What the hell was I thinking?

  After we kiss, I expect things to be awkward, like it usually is after you kiss a girl for the first time. But it’s not.

  We sit. We eat.

  Harper asks me questions about my family (which I dodge), about baseball (which I dodge), about school (fine, whatever), and about how I got to be so good at picking out picnic food (completely safe, because I bullshit it and tell her that I’m into watching the Food Network. Which is true, but only because it’s one of the only channels that doesn’t have infomercials on late at night, and so I watch it when I can’t fall asleep.)

  I’m having a nice time. Like, a really nice time. The nicest time I can ever remember having with a girl. But as I’m driving her home, I can feel my mood starting to darken.

  Yes, I had a nice time with Harper, but that doesn’t erase the million things that happened today that could have set me off. Like seeing Jackson, or the fact that I’m on my way home and I have no idea what I’m going to find there.

  “So,” Harper says when I pull into her driveway. She fiddles with the strap of her bag. “I guess . . . I mean, I guess I’ll see you in school tomorrow.” She looks at me, and I can see in her eyes that she wants some reassurance. She wants me to tell her that we’ll talk tomorrow, that me kissing her meant something.

  But I can’t give her that.

  So instead I just say, “See you tomorrow, Harper.”

  I watch her walk into the house, until she’s inside safely and has shut the door behind her. I imagine her walking up the stairs, dropping her bag in her room, maybe calling a friend or starting her homework.

  It’s all so normal.

  And that’s why Harper and I could never work out.

  Because she’s normal.

  And I’m anything but.

  * * *

  When I get home, Braden’s sitting on the couch playing video games, and my mom’s in the kitchen baking cupcakes. It’s ten o’clock at night, and my dad’s car is still gone. He’s probably on a bender, although it’s impossible to know exactly where. He could be drinking himself to death in a hotel room, or a bar, or at a casino. Sometimes I wonder if he has a completely different family, like those people you see on the news who go missing and then turn out to have secret lives. Maybe my dad goes to visit his other family, and they all get drunk and watch sports before passing out in front of the TV.

  “Hey!” my mom says happily when she sees me. She holds out a spoonful of batter, like it’s normal to be cooking so late at night. “Here,” she says. “Taste this.”

  “Mom,” I say, “that stuff is poison.”

  She frowns and wrinkles her nose at the bowl. “Penn, if you’re talking about salmonella, I got these eggs fresh from—”

  “I’m not talking about salmonella, Mom.” I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, uncap it, and down almost all of it in one gulp. “I’m talking about the fact that there’s tons of hydrogenated fat in there. Plus the dairy alone is filled with hormones.”

  My mom smile
s and shakes her head, like she’s exasperated with me. “My son the college athlete,” she says proudly. “Always worried about what he puts into his body. Not all of us have to worry about our performance on the baseball field, you know.”

  I don’t say anything, but my mood darkens even more. We both know I’m not playing baseball right now, that I probably won’t ever again, and that I definitely won’t be playing for a college.

  And with my chances of a baseball scholarship completely dashed, there’s really no way I’m even going to college. Which means I’ll be stuck here, probably working at some shitty job that I hate. But my mom doesn’t like talking about that. If you ask her, she’ll tell you that of course some college is going to take me. She lives in denial—about my shoulder, about my dad, about pretty much everything.

  “Well, have fun,” I say. I try to keep the sharpness out of my voice. I don’t blame her for my dad taking off, but I do blame her for not talking about it, and for not confronting him about it, and for not leaving him years ago.

  I walk into the living room, where Braden’s zoned out in front of the TV. I can tell just by looking at him that he’s high. His eyes are all red and he’s slumped against the back of the couch. A half-eaten bag of chips is sitting in front of him on the coffee table.

  “Yo,” he says, giving me a half salute. He gestures to the other controller. “You want to play?”

  I shrug and pick up the controller, and we sit there for a few minutes, blowing things up on the screen. It’s supposed to be mindless. And it is. I’m not thinking about Jackson, or my dad, or baseball.

  But what I can’t stop thinking about is Harper.

  But instead of getting me excited, all it does is make me angry. What the hell was I thinking, taking her on a picnic? I’m not in any shape to be taking girls on picnics, especially not girls like Harper. She’s too innocent. She works in a dance studio, for God’s sake. She wants to be a choreographer. That sounds so . . . I don’t know. Pure.